


Just Another Normal Day for Phoenix Wright and the Gang

by fanlon



Category: Hannibal Lecter Series - All Media Types, 逆転裁判 | Gyakuten Saiban | Ace Attorney, 龍が如く | Ryuu ga Gotoku | Yakuza (Video Games)
Genre: Crack, Crack Crossover, Deliberate Badfic, Gen, Meta, Multiple Crossovers, Self-Insert
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-15
Updated: 2020-05-15
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:28:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 743
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24205939
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fanlon/pseuds/fanlon
Summary: A dumb crackfic I did for a writing challenge with friends a couple years back. Not to be taken seriously.
Relationships: Mitsurugi Reiji | Miles Edgeworth/Naruhodou Ryuuichi | Phoenix Wright
Comments: 4
Kudos: 15





	Just Another Normal Day for Phoenix Wright and the Gang

“OBJECTION!”

This is my story. I cannot tell you my name, for my identity must remain a secret, but I can tell you the tale… of the trial.

It was a day in court just like any other in the Ace Attorney series, which is to say nothing like actual court. Apparently Phoenix Wright and Miles Edgeworth were grumpy with each other again because Capcom likes to be inconsistent with its character writing. Or they’d had a lovers’ spat. Who knows. I was sitting in the gallery drinking saké.

“Can we please carry on with my trial?” Dr. Hannibal Lecter said in a super-sexy way, looking a lot like Mads Mikkelsen for the purposes of this story and not Anthony Hopkins, who while being probably the definitive version of Lecter, is less fun to write.

“As I was saying,” continued Edgeworth. “This man is no killer! He just has good taste, like me.”

“Oh, read a Thomas Harris book sometime,” said Phoenix. “He’s been the real killer all along!”

And then the entire proceedings suddenly came into a halt when a gang of people burst into the courtroom. “Ninjas?!” Someone screamed - but it wasn’t ninjas. It was in fact, a gang of yakuza, led by one Majima Goro. They came in and smashed everything up, and kidnapped a bunch of people.

Later, in the Yakuza HQ… Phoenix, Edgeworth, Hannibal and Majima stood around awkwardly. I was also there - as a witness, you understand.

“Well, I’ve cross-examined most of a zoo over the years, been physically assaulted by several prosecutors, and witnessed actual séances in court - honestly getting kidnapped by the yakuza is pretty tame by this point.” Phoenix observed, shrugging it off, while Edgeworth hid behind Phoenix and angrily muttered something about not even being offered a cup of tea.

I threw myself at the mercy of Dr. Lecter and Majima. “Oh my, surrounded by criminals!” I cried. I rolled around on the floor dramatically. “Do your worst! Just… be gentle. Though Dr. Lecter if you could just step on me slightly that would also be okay…”

Everyone ignored me. Dammit, I can’t get any action even in my own stories.

“Dr. Lecter,” Majima said, twirling his umbrella. “I’d like to make you an offer. I want you to join my family as our cook, and as payment you have access to all the tasty, tasty corpses you could get your hands on!”

“I must decline,” Hannibal said. “Instead I am going to become a mysterious character in a video game with black goop all over his face. Good bye.” He walked out without another word.

Majima stamped on the floor, and then hit the guy standing next to him in frustration. “Well, one of the rest of you better come up with something, or I’ll have you all killed.”

There was another awkward silence, and then Edgeworth spoke. “I make an excellent cup of tea.”

Five minutes later, everyone who was left was now sitting at the table, drinking tea. Edgeworth and Majima were exchanging recipes. “It’s just so hard keeping up this tough guy image sometimes,” I heard Majima say. Meanwhile, I politely chatted to Phoenix.

“Every time I feel like I’m getting closer to Edgeworth, he just pulls away again. I even tried to bring up the subject of marriage at one point, and I can’t begin to tell you how badly that backfired.” He sighed loudly and glanced sideways to see if Edgeworth had noticed him. He hadn’t.

I nodded. “It’s okay, I played Turnabout Time Traveler too.”

“We’ve been through so much together… but I suppose he’ll always be married to his work.”

I nodded again. “Or you could go out to dinner with him and tell him how you feel, like a normal adult.” Unbelievably, this plan actually seemed to work. Phoenix stood up to make an announcement. “Edgeworth! Majima! Instead of getting a cannibal chef to work for you, why don’t we all go out for sushi instead?”

Majima shrugged. “It’s about as good an idea as any.”

Thus, Phoenix left with Edgeworth, the rest of the yakuza kindly arranged transport, and we all laughed about the fun day we’d had. There was even a surprise call from Hannibal to say he would join us.

As we were leaving, Majima turned to me. “You said something earlier about being stepped on?”

I grinned. “After dinner. And only if you wear heels,” I said, traumatising you all.


End file.
